Faded
by SibunaMockingjay
Summary: "I watch the whiteness 'disperse' into the colours" Spencer Hastings may seem perfect from a distance. Her life may seem to die for. Rich, clever, happy. Happy? She's far from it. TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, SELF HARM, PANIC ATTACKS, GORE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
1. Prologue: White

**A/N:** So, this is my first PLL story. I really love the show, and I loved the reveal! And because I'm really fascinated by Spencer and also Troian, I decided to write something.  
It's a little deep but all of my stories are really.  
 **Also, whilst I'm on the topic of Troian, can I please ask that you check out her new movie which she spent 8 years working on, called Feed. It will become available on VOD and digital platforms on July 18th and it's based on her real struggles with anorexia. The fanbase is so incredibly proud of her.**

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 **DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN PLL OR THE CHARACTERS, JUST THE PLOT**  
 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm, suicide, gore, panic attacks**

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Everything goes white. All I see is white. The brightness, as odd as it is, doesn't hurt my eyes or make me squint involuntarily. I just stare until, as the seconds pass, the white begins to transform due to the tears that cloud my vision. Suddenly, I'm transported back into our old Physics class.

 _FLASHBACK  
"Light is refracted when it enters the prism" Mr Holland, our AP Physics teacher says as he holds up a glass prism._

 _"The amount that each colour is refracted by varies which means that the light that leaves the prism is spread into different colours."_

 _He places the prism down onto the end of his desk and makes his way to the front of the table, leaning on it gently and placing his now vacant hands into his pockets._

 _"Does anybody know the technical term for this? I'll be very impressed."_

"Yes, Spencer?" he says, with a chuckle, before I even have a chance to acknowledge my hand in the air.

 _"Dispersion. It explains why we see the rainbow when it's rainy and sunny"_

I always was smart. Even at 11 years old. I observe carefully as I watch the whiteness 'disperse' into the colours.

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 **A/N:** So, this is the first chapter. I was originally planning to put the whole thing as a one shot but I decided against it. It's short, but I really hope you enjoy it, feel free to leave feedback, I respond to all given!

Thank you so much!

~SibunaMockingjay


	2. Violet

**A/N:** I'm going to update this every Monday and Friday starting from now because I'm really obsessed with having schedules and everything fitting nicely. (I'm a bit like Spencer in that way aha!)

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 **Review Replies:**

 **zak194:** Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you like it, hope you enjoy this chapter!

 **Gwyneth Taylor Plunkett:** Thank you for your continued support! I know the last chapter really did seem like a sneak peek, it kind of is a prologue type chapter. This chapter isn't that long either, it is longer but not by much. I'm hoping to try and make them longer although my main focus is the quality of the descriptions and presentation. I'm glad you like it! Let me know how you find this!

 **Momma Duck:** Thank you! It means the world to me. Oh my gosh, FEED WAS AMAZING. I'll never get sick of watching or talking about it. I don't even know why I'm so amazed, it is Troian. Gosh I love Troian so, so much. Are you getting any merch?

 **StarBucksIsLife9:** I've really enjoyed your stories! I'm so honored that you're reading mine. I could gush for HOURS about Troian. I absolutely adore her. I will meet her one day and tell her how much I appreciate her, she's done so, so much for me. I love Spencer too, my favourite character to exist.

* * *

 **DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN PLL OR THE CHARACTERS, JUST THE PLOT**  
 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm, suicide, gore, panic attacks  
**

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Violet. _Suddenly I'm back in the dollhouse. I'm back, I'm back,_ I'm back.

 _This cannot be happening again._

 _I'm frozen in place, I can't move and I struggle to breathe. I'm alarmed by a sudden creaking and I realise that my door is opening._

 _Huh? It hits me that this can only be A, it can only be Charles._

Breathe, Spencer, breathe.

He's going to hurt me.

 _Stay calm, you can run, you can push past him and run. Where doesn't matter right now, anywhere but A's clutches.  
_  
He's going to hurt me.  
 _  
Just get it over with!_

 _My mind screams and screams at me to do something but I'm frozen. I can't move, I can't scream, I can't breathe._

 _And then I'm smothered by a violet fabric and I can barely see._

 _I brace myself, waiting for the pain to follow, but it doesn't._

 _Looking up, there's a familiar face_

" _Mom," I sob._

 _My body wracks with sobs and I'm pretty sure I'm bordering on hysterics. I don't know what to do, my chest is on fire, I can't breathe. All I can hear in between my mother gently saying calming words, is the sound of my heart. It hurts, it hurts, it really hurts; how can it be safe for my heart to beat this much? My entire being is overtaken by a series of violent shakes and horror floods through my veins. It's uncontrollable and the one thing everyone knows about Spencer Hastings is that she needs control._

 _It's the uncertainty, the not knowing that pains me. Tears are flooding down my cheeks and I clutch tighter into my mom's hold. Lungs screaming for air, I now have a fistful of my mother's gown in my hand whereas the other is pressed against my chest, right over my furiously pounding heart as I'm drenched in sweat and tears._

 _I think I might be dying._

 _I can feel my mother's hands on my back, rubbing circles. So close, yet they feel so far away. There's a storm in my body and I can't overpower it._

 _I barely notice but my top has rolled up, revealing my once toned stomach which is now littered with cuts and scars and_ _bruises. I wish I didn't hear the gasps that escaped my mom's mouth and the tears that spilled from her eyes._

 _I cling to her dressing gown like a newborn baby who refuses to leave her mother._

 _And that is exactly how I feel. I don't want my mother to leave me, ever. But she will. I mean, who would you choose? The winning, beautiful, clever Hastings, or the broken, problematic Hastings? It's not even a question worth answering._

 _Violet, it's everywhere._

 _And despite the horrific sense of fear, I hope that I am in fact dying._

 **A/N:** Please leave a review! Next chapter will be up on Friday! I know it wasn't that long, I'm trying although it's not my main focus. Thank you for you're support, love you guys!

 **~SibunaMockingjay**


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